I'm back on track. I'm in summer school. I'm being productive.
I let everything out. Maybe it all could have happened differently, but I put everything on the table.
It feels great.
I feel relieved.
But... now what?
Where do I go from here?
Maybe I come home so late, after you've already gone to bed, because I can't stand being anywhere near you when you're awake. Did you ever think of that? You dumb fucking cunt.
Stop trying to act like you're an actual part of my life.
I revolve my life around things that aren't healthy for me, emotionally... and physically, too, in the long run. I have a bad habit of trying to latch on to damaged things and hope that they'll magically fix themselves to my standards? I let go of things that should be really important to me. What's, most likely, on top of everyone else's list is lost and jumbled up in mine. My priorities are all out of wack. I get that.
I'm trying to care less while trying to care more. It's like a tug of war with myself. I'm trying to hold my tongue and not get so upset over things that normally would bother me. I feel like I'm being a pushover. I really miss school or, really, doing anything productive. I miss having a somewhat steady income.
I need a job. I need to go back to school.
I don't know how I always fool myself into thinking things are normal. Things are never normal.
Getting suspended from school, fired from my last job and replacing it with a bullshit one, pushing everyone in my life so far away that not even my family (for the most part) know what the fuck's going on with me, no one to turn to, and a boyfriend that doesn't give two shits about how I'm doing... as long as I'm alive. Even with that, I don't think it matters either way, to him.
How do you let yourself get so far to the bottom that you can allow someone to treat you so badly. Really? The person who means the most to you is only in your life because they pity you? Sad thing is you know this full and well, it's not even an exaggeration anymore. The one person you revolve your life around has told you so many times that you are the worst part of their life and that they'd be better off without you... that it doesn't even phase you anymore.
Really? You've let yourself sink that low? How do you even love someone that treats you like that. How does it make any sense at all that the person you put first has you last on their list?
Because you're an idiot.
Faggot ass, inconsiderate sack of shit excuse for a boyfriend. You selfish bitch.
Sometimes I'll be cleaning my room and I'll come across something you've written to me. It doesn't happen often because your letters are rare, I know you don't like writing them. But I'll stop cleaning and I'll read them, and I end up in tears. Not because the content is sad or anything, but I'll start tearing up because it reminds me of how much we've changed over the past couple of years together.
You used to be really sweet, not that you still aren't, but it was different then. You would listen to me and try to understand what you'd done if I was upset by something. You'd try to change because you wanted to be a better boyfriend. It was as if you'd do anything to be with me, like you really cared. Like I was a really important part of your life. Somewhere down the line, something went wrong. The same problems keep happening and the same fights are still persisting. And now, you don't care anymore. It's no longer a working relationship that the both of us try to uphold what we have. You don't care what I have to say anymore, or try to understand my point of view. You don't make the effort to change, or even say that you'll try. You even tell me that it isn't your problem anymore, and if I find something wrong I just have to deal with it because you aren't changing for me.
I'm pretty sure, after all that's happened, I've changed your way of thinking a lot. I agree with you when you say that I don't necessarily have a right to give you shit for anything after what I had done to you. I understand that, but it isn't okay when the things you do hurt me too.
You always tell me, every chance you get, that you'd be fine without me. That if we weren't together, you would be completely fine. I'm not a necessity to you and I'm pretty sure you see me as a burden to you and the rest of your worry-free life. You're only with me because it's what I want, not you.
You tell me.
All the time.
As if I don't already know,
or forgot since the last time you've said it.
And even though you tell me all the time, it hurts more and more every time I hear it.
And still, even knowing full well what you think of me, I'm still here. I still want to be with you. You mean everything to me, and I'm not even sure why. I love you, honestly. I've given my everything in to this relationship.
I just miss everything that we used to be.
Well, good going, fuck face. You got yourself fired! I suck so bad, I can't even take advice from myself or take myself seriously. What am I, a child? I should be studying for my Biology test, but obviously I'm not. You'd think that if I wasn't studying my ass off, I would at least try to sleep so I'd actually show up for English for once, wouldn't you?
lol
I suck!
I'm so over myself.
I suck.
And I'm unemployed.
And broke.
gaddamnmmnnnmnmn.
Hi Maeygan. :)
I'm so stupid. I'm always complaining about how my life sucks and everything is unfair. I've got the world at my fingertips; and yeah, maybe things get out of hand sometimes and there are a few things I just can't control, but for the most part life is as it should be. It's unfortunate that I only come to these conclusions when I find myself fucked over, when it's already too late.
I'm on the verge of losing my job and failing my classes and here I am, wasting my time away. Not sleeping, not doing anything productive, not trying to get better.
I need to get my life together. I need to get my priorities straight. Quit acting dumb and do what I need to do to get where I want to be.
I was so blessed to have found you when I did. I was so unhappy then. I'd been heartbroken, homesick, passionless. Every day was mundane, the same routines. You gave me a reason to be happy. Although it took a lot to be with you, it was worth it. You made every day amazing. With you... it was like meeting you for the first time every day. You were so full of surprises, so full of life. You were amazing. Sometimes when I was left to myself, I'd think of you and think how lucky I was to have someone like you in my life. Someone who could love me unconditionally, despite all of my flaws and vices. Someone who could look past it all and see me for me. Love me for me. I used to make fun of you all the time, call you names... I don't think I ever treated you the way you should be treated. But I adored you.
Somewhere down the line, I let this slip away from me. You moved away, and I'd see you less and less. Not just because of the distance, but because of my work schedule. I'd beg for you to come see me sometimes, and sometimes you'd refuse. It was so frustrating to want to see you so badly, but not be able to be mad at you because I understood how much effort it took every time you drove over here. Hell, I never even took the time to drive over there to see you. We didn't talk as much, either. I just... forgot? Forgot how amazing you were. I let myself become vulnerable to other things and be manipulated in to something I shouldn't have been. I let myself forget how much I loved you. I was selfish, and I ended up losing everything.
I wonder if you ever think of me. If the thought of me crosses through your mind at all during your days. Before you go to sleep, when you woke up in the morning, when you're getting dressed for school, when you're driving home. I wonder if it hurts you as much as it hurts me to miss you so badly. I wonder what you're thinking. I wonder if you're okay. I hope you're okay.
I'm so lost without you.
I haven't been eating much. I can't even finish my food anymore. I didn't think it was possible, but my sleeping has gotten worse. It's harder for me to fall asleep. I have a headache that I don't think will ever go away. But when I do finally fall asleep, I'll wake up thinking I heard my phone ring... thinking it could be you. But there'd be no missing phone call, no you. I'm a mess. Even my mom thought there was something wrong with me.
I don't remember much from that night, but I do remember how close you were to me. Making sure I was okay, checking on me, taking care of me. You were so sweet. You were always so sweet. Even when I drove to your house, you couldn't have been nicer. I don't know how you do it, always keeping your composure. It was never supposed end up this way. It... was never supposed to end. I just wish it didn't have to take so much for me to realize how much you really mean to me. Or so much for me to see how much you really cared for me.
At this point, it feels like everything I say is so repetitive. But if I run out of words to say... I'll lose all hope. I'm spilling my heart out to you in these entries, and I have no idea if you've even taken the time to read them. Everything I want to say to you, everything I'm dying to say to you, but I can't. I read over them and I sound so desperate and pathetic, but it doesn't matter. I am desperate. I am pathetic. It doesn't matter. I just want you back in my life.
I know you've told yourself that, because of what I've done, you can't allow yourself to be with me. I understand that. I was so wrong for everything, Marlon. I don't even know what I was thinking to begin with. I'd give anything to be with you again. You're not someone I can just fall out of love with. You're such an important part of my life. I fucked up. Really badly. But I just want one more chance. I just want you.
I gave in last night. I called you. I called you knowing full well that there wouldn't be an answer. As stupid/pathetic as it sounds, if I could hear your voice right now, I'd be so happy. Not that I deserve it. Calling you was an impulse move. As the phone rang, I was so nervous. Even though I knew you wouldn't answer, I panicked because I didn't know what I would have said to you if you had. At this point... I'm terrified of you. I'm terrified of making another mistake and losing you even more.
I've thought about all of the things I could do to change your mind. I'd drive to your house every day, but that's not a very considerate thing to do. I'd call you every chance I'd get and leave you voicemails upon voicemails. Fuck, I'd walk to your house every day if I thought that would make you love me again.
The last thing I want to do is to push you away even further by annoying you. I don't want to be a nuisance. But I'm so scared that if I stop trying, stop making attempts to get your attention, you'll move on. You'll move on and you'll forget about me. That thought alone scares the fuck out of me. I know I've already lost you, but I don't know what I'd do if you ever erased me from your life completely.
I miss your voice. I miss your weird faces, your smile, your dumb jokes, your touch... everything. All of the little things you did to make me laugh. All of the things I hated about you like the few shirts that you have... that really, I absolutely adored you for liking because they were so ridiculous. Whenever I'm alone, it kills me to know that I can't even call you.
I'd do anything to have you back in my life. Anything. I can't believe I fucked everything up so badly.
We've been through so much together. It doesn't make any sense to just give up, at least not for me. I wish there was something I could do.
I just finished a painting. I wish I could feel excited that I finally finished a painting, let alone was able to pick up a paint brush and take the time to paint it. It's been so long, and it felt so good. I was in the zone. I sat on my floor for hours doing this. Now I'm done. I'm so satisfied with the way it came out... but it doesn't feel as good as it should. I'm so unhappy.
I try to pass the time by preoccupying myself with other things. Other insignificant tasks. And it will work wonderfully. I'll have my mind set on something else, whatever I'm watching. And then it will hit me. You're not really happy, don't you realize what you've done? And I'm back to where I started, a mess. I'll be off deep in thought, and I'll snap back to reality. And every time, it feels so surreal. Every time, I have to convince myself that this isn't just some horrible nightmare. This isn't just some fucked up story I made up in my mind. Every time, I have to replay everything over again. Over and over again... until I find myself in tears.
How did it end up this way? You were the one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. Now you can't even talk to me. I lie awake every night terrified of living the rest of my life without you. I spend every night on here, trying to think up words to say... words that I want to say to you, but can't. Love letters, written to you, and I don't even know if you'll ever read these. I don't even know if you're ever coming back.
I love you, Marlon. I love you so much. I'd do anything to undo what I've done. I miss you so much.
I'm losing my mind. I find myself running to the back room or to the restroom at work more frequently than I am actually doing any work to wipe away tears, or to calm myself down. Coworkers notice my change in attitude, they're always asking if I'm okay. And each time, I have to look away and say I'm fine. I can't sleep at night, I miss your voice so much. I don't have much of an appetite anymore, I'm so disgusted with myself. Everything hurts to badly. I can't get through my days knowing how badly I've fucked things up with you, and how you want nothing to do with me.
I miss you so much.
I'm so sorry.
I don't know what to do.
I'm so sorry.
You've changed me in so many ways. Although, at times, you brought out the worst in me: the bitchiest, winiest, irritable girl to ever walk the planet. Meeting you and having you as an influence on my life has changed my whole mentality of living. When bad things happen, I know things could be worse. I've learned to set goals for myself, and put forth the effort to get myself to where I want to be. I can find a reason to smile, even if I feel like my world is falling apart inside. My days are brighter, more worthwhile. I appreciate the smaller things and take in the beauty of my surroundings.
I know what I want, and I'll wait as long as it takes for my life to take me down that route again. I wake up in the morning, and I feel like nothing is worth getting up for. I have no reason to get dressed, eat, or do any of my daily routine tasks... because I know at the end of the day, I really have nothing to turn to. Then the thought of you comes to mind. Even though it hurts, to know that you're no longer behind me to push me forward, I get through my days because of you. The faster I get through today, the closer I'll be (hopefully) to a time where it won't be so painful for you to talk to me again.
When I first met you, I remember thinking you were like no other guy I had ever met. So goal oriented, well rounded, determined, and intelligent. You had everything, and I wanted to be a part of that. Even now, you're still that person. In a way, you're everything I wish I could be. I remember so many times being so envious of the life you had. I admired you so much.
I'd wake up every morning wondering what you were doing, and wondering if there was any chance you'd be thinking about me too. I can picture your face at any time of the day, and I know you'd be smiling... for no reason at all.
I woke up today, thinking about you. And this time I knew you weren't thinking about me. I laid in bed crying because I know there's nothing I can do now. You've made up your mind, but my mind is still set on you.
